Daily Hysteric

First Morissey, Now This

2007-04-03T00:35:00.000-04:00

The Ukranians (who, if you remember, won Eurovision three years ago) have chosen a popular drag queen to represent them this year. This is shaping up to be the best Eurovision ever.

via Perez Hilton

In other news, the BF and I are going to see last year's Eurovision winner, Finnish metal band LORDI, in concert this month! I am a very lucky woman. In case you haven't bought their US album yet (what's wrong with you?!?), here's the video for my favorite song, "It Snows in Hell".

My Life in 3 Easy Steps

2007-02-26T11:53:00.000-05:00

Given a massive f-up on the part of my boss, the grant deadline pressure has eased somewhat. Hopefully, that means I'll be able to post dispatches from what can only be considered the most riveting existance in NorCal more than twice a month.

1. I'm back from LA. It was fun, (if stinky) although I was actually outside the city and didn't get to do any real sightseeing. However, not only did I stay right on the beach, I got to have dinner and cocktails with the vivacious Littlest Rebel. She had the 'Schooner', which wasn't all that tasty, but made up for it with the fact that 'Schooner' is really fun to say. Schooner. Try it: Schooner.

1.1 Scratch that - I did do a LITTLE sightseeing. I drove up part of the Pacific Coast Highway, which is a seriously beautiful drive, and I recommend it wholeheartedly. The coastline and beaches are beautiful, and Malibu has some totally rediculous real estate. Plus, after spending a couple of days at the conference eating three meals a day with those joyless hippies from UC Berkeley, seeing some conspicuous consumption was kind of a relief.

2. It seems that, due to a MASSIVE f-up on the part of the human resources department here at California College, I may owe the state of California a trillion, bajillion dollars. I noticed this fact while doing my California taxes yesterday. This was AFTER a three-hour unsuccessful attempt at doing my New York taxes, which required no fewer than THREE separate forms just to demonstrate that I no longer live in New York City.

3. I've made it no secret here that I'm a big fan of Jared Leto. Oh yeah... I could watch him not talk for HOURS. That means I'm a semi-big fan of his band, 30 Seconds to Mars.
Whenever they come on the MTV, I tell the BF to be quiet, so I can watch me some Jared Leto. He, of course, considers JL to be a prancing, pigeon-chested nancy-boy, but there's no accounting for taste, is there? I was a little bewildered, though, when I saw their video for the song 'From Yesterday'. For those of you who haven't seen it, it's sort of a homage (read: rip-off) of 'The Last Emperor'. Seriously, I haven't seen anything this bloated and overwrought since looking in the mirror during my last period. I suppose he has to spend all that 'My So-Called Life' money somehow. For your edification, I've posted the video below. Yeah, that's niiiice.

My Favorite Quote From the Conference So Far

2007-02-19T23:13:00.000-05:00

"Oh, [LaBlonde]! I saw someone wearing cute shoes in the lobby; I should have known it was you."

Here are the shoes in question.

Never Fails To Horrify

2007-02-18T21:31:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in the airport, waiting for my flight to LA. (I'll be there for the week, and I'm staying right on the beach. God, I love business travel.) I'm browsing cnn.com, and I come upon this headline:

Sack of baby skeletons found behind hospital.

Is there any phrase more grotesque than "sack of baby skeletons"? I defy you to find one.

In other news, I'm finally feeling better, which suggests that this "immune system" the doctors kept talking about finally decided to get off its fat ass and goddamn DO something.

I recently got a bicycle. I haven't ridden a bicycle in a long, long time, probably since I was a little kid. Riding it isn't really the problem. I mean, it's not shorthand for 'something you never forget' for nothing, you know? The problem is that it's a guy's bike, and it has a very narrow seat. BF and I went on a bike ride last weekend, and holy god, did my ass take a pounding. I had NO IDEA the kind of pain that could result from something as innocent as a BIKE SEAT. Between the snowboarding and the biking, I don't think I've ever had a relationship that was harder on my ass.

Dr. Brazen is just shaking her head right now...

I'm Feeling Better, But...

2007-02-16T13:11:00.000-05:00

Here's my phone script for the week:

"I'm sorry, but (person you are looking for) is not in today. Can I take a message?"

Our entire lab (except our technician, who much have mutant disease-resistant abilities) is out with the flu. Unfortunately, even BF has been home sick this week. When I called him one afternoon, to see if he was still alive, he said,

"I don't know, but I just coughed up something that looks like an alien egg. Is that a good thing?"

Tagged

2007-02-13T15:51:00.000-05:00

By Dr. Brazen

A- Available or Single? That would appear to no longer be the case. Who knew?
B- Best Friend? Dr. Brazen, Prairie Oyster
C- Cake or Pie? Pie.
D- Drink of Choice? Cranberry juice. That hardcore enough for you, son?
E- Essential Item? A sweater, because I'm one of those annoying people who's always cold.
F- Favorite Color? Black.
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? Worms all the way.
H- Hometown? Union Mills, Indiana.
I- Indulgence? Skincare and makeup. Yet I practically wear my pajamas to work. Irony, thy name is me.
J- January or February? Neither. If there's anything that California has taught me, it's that winter is for suckers.
K- Kids and names? Someday, and yes, they'll have them.
L- Life is incomplete without…? A sense of humor.
M- Marriage Date? N/ fuckin' A, motherfuckers.
N- Number of Siblings? 2 brothers, who are both younger and more awesome than me.
O- Oranges or Apples? Apples.
P- Phobias/Fears? I hate birds so much.
Q- Favorite Quote? Right now, I've been quoting the movie 'Dancing Outlaw'.
R- Reasons to smile? The TV show 'Cops'
S- Season? Spring
T- Tag 3 people? Everyone I know has already been tagged. This meme dies with me. Like my seed.
U- Unknown Fact About Me? I was viciously attacked by a pigeon in my grad school office.
V- Vegetable You Hate? I've had a lifelong dispute with green beans.
W-Worst Habit? Compulsive listmaking.
X- Xrays You’ve Had? I haven't had anything x-rayed in recent memory. My insides are a mystery.
Y- Your Favorite Foods? I pretty much see food as the one consistent source of joy in my life. It would be cruel to choose just one.
Z- Zodiac? Virgo.

Why I Haven't Been Blogging

2007-02-09T10:36:00.000-05:00

..because about two weeks ago I had a cold that has turned into the sinus infection from HELL. Finally, tired of blowing the snot equivalent of a volkswagon out my face every day, I hied myself over to the ER. Possibly not the smartest thing I could have done, but California College Town lacks a walk-in clinic, and my HMO's "primary care provider" is a gynecologist. I didn't want to go through the byzantine system of office visits and referrals. So, to the ER. To wait.

And wait. Alone. Because, you see, I was the only person in the waiting room. For about an hour and a half. Finally, I got called into the back, where I spent another hour. Waiting. This time, I wasn't exactly alone, because every once in a while a nurse or a med student would pop their head in, and we'd have the following conversation:

Them: So what seems to be the trouble?
Me: For the past two weeks, I've had sinus pain and pressure, a sore throat, and green discharge from my nose. I think it's a sinus infection.
Them: Sounds like it. Had one before?
Me: Yes, all the time.
Them: So what do they usually do for you?
Me: They give me antibiotics.
Them: Aaaah yeah- well, the doctor will be in shortly.

So finally, the doctor comes in and we have the EXACT same conversation. He then asks me if I'm a student. I said that no, I was a postdoc. I KNOW he heard me, because he said, "oh, congratulations". He then proceeded to tell me that he wasn't going to prescribe me any antibiotics, because he didn't really like to, but instead, I should try squirting some saline solution up my nose.

Wait- come again? Saline solution? I might as well swing a live rat above my face while reciting the Lord's prayer. That's ANOTHER popular cure FROM THE DARK AGES. He went on to say that if I was still sick in seven days, I should go to student health. Ok, wait. I missed something. I thought we agreed:

1. I had an active infection.
2...that I'd had for two weeks.
3. I'm not a student - I'm staff, and unable to go to student health. Otherwise, I would have gone to student health IN THE FIRST PLACE AND NOT WAITED TWO AND A HALF HOURS TO SEE A GODDAMNED HIPPY DOCTOR WHO WAS GOING TO TELL ME TO TREAT A SINUS INFECTION WITH SALT WATER AND GODDAMNED MOONBEAMS.

Now I'm a reasonable person, and given the choice between a goddamned stupid cure and no cure at all, I'm likely to take the former. I went to the pharmacy and bought some stupid saline solution. Followed his directions to the letter - and here I am almost 24 hours later, still sick, but now I'm sick, pissed as hell, and $70 poorer.

Thanks, California medical establishment!

Needless To Say, Basketball Is Out Too

2007-01-26T19:22:00.000-05:00

Intern: Do you know how to throw a football?
Me: They tried to teach me once.
Intern: Do you remember how?
Me: Not really. I keep memories of gym class where most people keep memories of sexual abuse.

What The Hell, California?

2007-01-25T11:55:00.000-05:00

I had to use a credit card to scrape ice off the windshield of my car this morning. That's right - ice. (In the interest of full disclosure, it was a Safeway discount card, and BF did the actual, physical scraping.) That doesn't change the fact, though, that it's really DAMN cold here. When I moved here, everybody was all, like "Oh, it rains all winter, but it never gets below 55 degrees." Bull. Shit. I can only conclude that the state of California hates me, and is trying to get me to leave. If only I could, California... if only I could.

Turn Your Back On My Shame!

2007-01-24T11:51:00.000-05:00

I played World of Warcraft last night. And...

it was actually pretty fun.

I don't believe that it was unrelated to the fact that one of my interns brought in a calendar for his desk featuring a night elf in a princess leia-style gold bikini. (I allowed it because, hey - at least it doesn't have pictures of cats on it LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE LAB.) So I've really been the victim of an insidious campaign of WoW brainwashing.

I was a female Draenei preist, but I also played a female Blood Elf paladin. Then I got totally slaughtered.

I'm so ashamed, which means I'll most likely do it again.

Dude, Snowboarding is HARD

2007-01-22T11:29:00.000-05:00

...just a quick post, because the UC ethics quiz I was just forced to take really rammed home the point about personal work on university time.

The BF and I (of course there's a BF; you think I've been working all this time?) went up to the mountains this weekend to do a little snowboarding. Well, he did a little snowboarding - I mostly slid down the mountain on my ass. Please remember - I grew up in INDIANA. If you need something milked or shoveled, I'm your girl, but it's a little short on things like, oh, MOUNTAINS. I did get a feel for snowboarding eventually, after about five runs, and BF and I even did the last run together, albeit through a red haze of pain.

I was going to take pictures of me in all my snowboarding glory, but we never got around to it. BF said I looked totally cute, so you'll just have to imagine it. On the other hand, I WAS tempted to post a picture of my ass. Seriously. It's BROKEN. There's nothing remotely prurient about it - it's totally medical looking, like an illustration in a textbook about what not to do to your ass.

...I'm sure blogger has rules or something about not posting pictures of your butt, regardless of how gruesome they are. Lucky you.

I Just Got Back From San Diego

2007-01-16T01:48:00.000-05:00

...and boy are my arms tired. How could I not share some Quiz results?

As seen at The Third Estate

You scored as Miyamoto Musashi. You're considered a sword saint, whatever the fuck that is. You don't give two hoots what weapon or tact people come at you with, as your solution is a steady grip on a sharp blade and it tends to work.

You're never going to be defeated in battle, but you are going to die of Cancer.

Miyamoto Musashi

100%

Jesus Christ

100%

Friedrich Nietzsche

100%

C.G. Jung

83%

Adolf Hitler

75%

Stephen Hawking

67%

Elvis Presley

58%

Sigmund Freud

50%

O.J. Simpson

42%

Mother Teresa

42%

Dante Alighieri

33%

Charles Manson

33%

Steven Morrissey

33%

Hugh Hefner

What Pseudo Historical Figure Best Suits You?
created with QuizFarm.com

It's Like They Know My Innermost Desires

2007-01-10T12:09:00.000-05:00

Morrissey may represent Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest.

Sometimes, the universe just smiles, you know?

A Quick Post, Because I'm Still Alive

2007-01-07T15:45:00.000-05:00

Happy 2007 to all my loyal readers. I completely abandoned all blogging over the holidays, both here and at my second blog home, The Bear Republic Action Group, because I was in America's heartland. Here's a quick list to keep you up-to-date with the comings and goings of the last month:

1. Christmas was spent with the vivacious Dr. Brazen and the slightly less vivacious but still quite pleasant Mr. Brazen. We watched Revenge of the Nerds (1 AND 2) and drank martinis and ate cake. It was like a little slice of heaven.

2. I was planning on re-visiting NYC after the new year, but had to cancel my trip due to an emergency at work. I miss all my city friends so much, and I was really disappointed, because I don't know when I'll be able to go back.

3. I returned to California college town, where it's cold as BALLS. I feel totally lied to.

4. Found that in my lab, a specific directive not to touch a piece of equipment actually translates to: "Please touch this equipment, which you don't know how to use and probably don't even understand what it is that it measures. That would make me very happy. Ecstatic, really."

Fergie sets women back a gajillion years

2006-12-17T14:07:00.000-05:00

I've discussed Fergie (formerly of the Black Eyed Peas) and her craptastic music before. Of course, as a colleague of mine once noted, "yeah, it sucks, but sucking isn't illegal". Fergie's new video, however, busts through the wall of merely sucking like a breached scuba tank, and lodges firmly into "fucking offensive". I caught it at the gym the other day. In it, she not only does the required amount of scantily-clad writhing, but also hits the Lolita-Girl Scout-two chicks fighting trifecta. And that's before she rubs frosting all over herself.

You might ask, and you would be right in doing so, "what's the difference between Fergie poncing around in a girl scout uniform and a pre-Federline Brittney Spears in her naughty schoolgirl outfit? I didn't see you bitching about that. Obviously, you love the objectification of children. All those quizzes are right - you are evil."

Ok, on the surface, there's no difference. They're both women playing into a dismayingly common male fantasy*. But here's the thing: Brittney was about 17 years old when her video was made, possibly didn't see the problem, and probably didn't have a whole lot of creative control anyway. Fergie is (according to IMDB.com) 31 years old. Shouldn't she know better? I don't care how much money you're making - you're goddamned right she should. Although, according to the song, she's "not promiscuous", I think I'd respect her a lot more if she'd merely stayed home and had lots of anonymous sex. Then, at least, the women of America wouldn't have to waste their time patiently explaining why being expected to dress up like a child is actually really, really creepy. Maybe there's something to Twisty's "every act by an opressed group is a political act" after all...

Anyway, for your edification, or if you just want to tell me how oversensitive and full of crap I am (I know my brothers both have a lot of time on their hands right now), I've embedded the video below.

*Note for all my IRL friends: Jesus save me from the ridiculousness that is straight men who watch too much porn. This is why I don't date Americans.

Quizzes also = lazy blogging

2006-12-15T12:11:00.000-05:00

I've got some stuff going on here in CA (not bad, just keeping me busy). In the meantime, head over to Dr. BH's and listen to me tear into some Poison.

Yes! Just as I always suspected!

2006-12-14T11:29:00.000-05:00

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

Via lots of places.

Oh, OK Cupid, You Know Me So Well!

2006-12-12T12:08:00.000-05:00

For the record, my interns talked me into attending ComicCon. I'm just sayin'.

A geek is also someone who bites the heads off chickens...

Outcast Genius

91 % Nerd, 60% Geek, 56% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.

A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.

A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in all three, earning you the title of: Outcast Genius.

Outcast geniuses usually are bright enough to understand what society wants of them, and they just don't care! They are highly intelligent and passionate about the things they know are *truly* important in the world. Typically, this does not include sports, cars or make-up, but it can on occassion (and if it does then they know more than all of their friends combined in that subject).

Outcast geniuses can be very lonely, due to their being outcast from most normal groups and too smart for the room among many other types of dorks and geeks, but they can also be the types to eventually rule the world, ala Bill Gates, the prototypical Outcast Genius.

Congratulations!

Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Professional Wrestling

Love & Sexuality

America/Politics

Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on nerdiness
You scored higher than 99% on geekosity
You scored higher than 99% on dork points

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Maybe All Those Quizzes are Right...

2006-12-12T11:29:00.000-05:00

Last night, I came home to find that my kitchen sink had become a bustling ant metropolis. Ants! In December! What the fuck? And it's not like my kitchen is disgusting - there were a few dishes, maybe my cocktail shaker, but they were full of water. Anybody who knows me IRL is well aware of my anti-dirty dish policies. One panicked call to Mom LaBlonde later, I head out to pick up some ant traps. I litter my sink with those bastards (not having children or pets has its benefits), and sit back to watch the destruction. Thirty seconds later, they're eating the bait, and I'm giggling to myself: "Yes, my pretty little ones.. feast. Feast on DEATH!"

Yikes.

Christmas Comes Early.

2006-12-11T11:50:00.000-05:00

You can thank me later.

Another Quiz Tells Me I'm Scary and Dark. Sigh.

2006-12-08T11:06:00.000-05:00

Via the always-seductive Nimuë

I'm A Who In The What Now?

2006-12-05T23:21:00.000-05:00

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 15% Conservative, 85% Liberal

Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

Via Stranger Fruit.

Overheard in California College Town

2006-12-02T21:58:00.000-05:00

Two pre-teen brothers in line at the Subway restaurant:

[Brother One] My French teacher told us that they French hate root beer. It's not even a stereotype or anything. They think it tastes like mouthwash.

[Brother Two] Wow, mouthwash in France must be really delicious.

For All You Guys Out There

2006-12-01T16:00:00.000-05:00

The song "Baby Love" by MC Solaar is the best slow jam in the universe. A total panty-dropper. Trust me on this one.

But I LIKE Brussels Sprouts

2006-11-28T23:01:00.000-05:00

This is the Goddamned cutest vegetable-themed flash game I've ever seen. You must go there now, but be warned - there's a song.

I'll be taking to my bed, where I can be old and alone.. um.. alone.

UPDATE: Ok, so I didn't exactly go to bed, but I still have 471 unread posts on my bloglines! Why is being well-informed so time consuming!?!

I Am Part Human, Part Hamster

2006-11-26T19:30:00.000-05:00

I eschewed humanity over the Thanksgiving break, and settled into my apartment to really Get Stuff Done. Given that I have a bent set of priorities (and the fact that it hasn't really gotten that cold) I haven't gotten my heat turned on yet, preferring to spend the money on turkey sandwiches from Subway and exfoliants. Well, we had a cold snap this weekend, so I spent most of my time wrapped in a blanket, tethered to the high speed internet. (The hot spell this summer blew out my wireless router, and I haven't replaced it yet. How hot? Try 130 degrees in my apartment one afternoon.)

So this is my living room floor, Sunday afternoon, around 4 o'clock:

Add a little shredded paper towel, and I'd be ready for a habitrail.

Mwahahahah!

2006-11-26T19:15:00.000-05:00

How evil are you?

Via Scientist, Interrupted

Can't get enough LaBlonde?

2006-11-25T01:00:00.000-05:00

Yeah, right.

Anyway, I just wanted to let all my readers here at Maison Du Blonde know that I'll be the official "Blogger of Science" over at The Bear Republic Action Group, a great community of California political bloggers. I'll also be cross-posting at the Drinking Liberally Oakland blog, just as soon as I get the password. So if you'd like to read about something that doesn't involve my exploits with sleazy europeans or my crippling battle with weltschmerz , head on over.

In the meantime, in honor of Delurking Week, leave a comment below and say hi!

Happy Thanksgiving, Amigos

2006-11-23T00:52:00.000-05:00

Spaniard-in-Residence: "I felt bad the other day because I didn't know all the states in the US. Then I realized that most Americans probably don't know all the provinces in Spain."

LaBlonde: "Spain has provinces?"

Attention! Embarrassing Announcement Forthcoming!

2006-11-22T00:47:00.000-05:00

I was watching VH1 at the gym tonight, and I realized that I really like the music of the Pussycat Dolls.

Here's a link to their video, but it's flagged for 'mature content' - you'll need to a You Tube login to watch it.

The worst part is that I can never, ever make fun of Dr. Brazen for listening to Hillary Duff ever again.

What About The Red-Headed Guy From 'Mythbusters'?

2006-11-21T02:07:00.000-05:00

Salon.com has compiled a list of the sexiest living men. Stephen Colbert! Alton Brown! Sascha Baron Cohen! Maybe not Richard Dawkins! I don't know who wrote this article, but we've got pretty much the same taste in men. It does seem strange, though, that Salon will sprain their shoulder patting themselves on the back for spotlighting guys "without ripped abs" when I suspect that there will never be a "girls of the NIH" issue. Silly - nobody thinks intelligence and snarky humor is sexy in a woman. Not unless it's accompanied by humongous gazongas, that is.

For all my homies without cable, here's a bit of the Colbert Report that had me laughing... from all the sexy.

The World Is Bleak and Joyless

2006-11-19T17:14:00.000-05:00

Strangely enough, it appears to have always been so.

Via BoingBoing, which I should probably just stop reading.

UPDATE: I suspect that it's posts like this that caused my youngest brother to refer to this blog as a "gigantic half-empty glass of pessimism with a twist of curmudgeon". It's an honest assessment, and a real shame, because I'd like to be a starry-eyed optimist. World, stop sucking!

UPDATED UPDATE: In fact, this reminds me of an episode of of Mystery Science Theater...

Mike J. Nelson: "And there's nothing in between? It's either grain alcohol in back alleys, or a happy world of rodents in footie pajamas?"

Tom Servo: Yes.

Crow: Why is that so hard to accept?

You Can Check Out Any Time You Like, But You Can Never Leave

2006-11-15T00:50:00.000-05:00

One of my undergraduate intern boys walked into the lab today carrying his laptop, which was blaring 'Hotel California'. My many years of of working in labs has caused me to know better, so I ignored him, and let one of the peons do the inquisitorial heavy lifting. (Part of being an effective manager is delegation.)

"What are you doing?"

"It's playing my theme song. I wanted to enter to my theme song."

"Well, you did. You gonna turn it off now?"

"It's a SEVEN-MINUTE theme song. You got a theme song?"

"No."

"Well, when you do, then you can ask questions about mine."

They're 19 and 20. Boys are so CUTE at that age.

Sunday Night Incoherence

2006-11-12T23:54:00.000-05:00

Life has driven me to bourbon sours. I was dating two guys when I left New York. Since I left the city, one of them bagged a skank with leopard-print cowboy boots, and the other just caught an STD from whoring around.

Men disgust me - I'm never, ever dating again. In fact, I don't think I'll ever touch a man without rubber gloves. I'm just going to sit alone in my apartment and watch old episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Bourbon Sour:

Three shots of limeade
One (or two) shots of bourbon

Mix with ice in a cocktail shaker. Goes well with complete revulsion.

You Know What I Hate?

2006-11-10T14:40:00.000-05:00

Our lab is full of old, broken equipment. Rather than, oh, getting rid of it, people have just taped signs to them that say - you guessed it - 'broken'.

Didn't Jeff Foxworthy make a joke about how you know you're a redneck if you've got a working TV sitting on top of a broken TV? I believe the same thing applies to electrophoresis power supplies...

Yee haw, y'all.

You Want It When??

2006-11-09T18:27:00.000-05:00

Oh God, I'm letting my blog slide again. I really meant to write about my experiences as a poll worker, too. At this point, there are two things I can say definitively:

1. It's a really positive experience and I would recommend that everybody do it at least once.

2. There really is such a thing as 'old man smell'.

Upon my (really, really) hung over return on Wednesday, I found out that the boss needed a poster for an NIH meeting early next week. Our lab manager is out sick, I got tagged for the job. However, the campus copy shop (our department doesn't have a plotter) is closed tomorrow and requires 3 days turnaround on large-format jobs. Boss needs it next Tuesday night - that meant that I had to design a 3' by 4' poster AND write all the text IN ONE DAY.

And THEN the copy shop lost the file.(But they found it)

And THEN I had to fax them a work order. (But their real fax number was different that the one on their website)

And THEN the work order required an 'authorized signature' with no hint as to what kind of authorization. (Turns out it was our Financial Officer.)

...who had the week off.

So I told the office ladies that I was just going to Kinkos and paying for it myself.

An account number and signature appeared.

I need to call the copy shop and confirm that they received the fax, but to be honest, I'm scared to do it.

Did I mention that I only got 4 hours of sleep last night (Oakland Drinking Liberally) and, because of new 'Weekly Safely Goals' that I PUT INTO EFFECT, we're no longer allowed to drink coffee in the lab. Obviously, I am a moron. A moron who meets her safety goals, but nonetheless...

THIS IS MERELY A TEST

2006-11-04T16:27:00.000-05:00

It appears that my blog has been down for a couple of days. WTF, blogger?

John Kerry Called Rush Limbaugh "Doughy"

2006-11-01T11:43:00.000-05:00

AWESOME. Now we're gettin' somewhere.*

Read the full story at Kos.

Got another 12-hour work day ahead of me, and then to the grocery store, 'cause the cupboard is seriously bare. Also, no clean laundry. But I got SNPs. Sweet Jesus, so I have SNPs.

But busy or not, on November 7th, I will be working the polls with all my buddies from the County Home for the Elderly. Voting irregularities? Not while me and my geriatric crew are on the case!

*If Kerry were to call him, say, "Oxy Contin-flavored", my cup of awesomeness would runneth over.

Notes From Belly Dancing Class*

2006-10-30T01:13:00.000-05:00

INSTRUCTOR: We're in the Middle East, ladies! Let's tone it down a little with the boobs, OK?

*Yes, I'm taking Belly Dancing lessons. And no, for your information, I don't care if you're ROTFLMAO right now.

For All the California Readers

2006-10-29T14:53:00.000-05:00

I hope this posts - blogger hates me today. Here's a musical guide to the propositions on the California Ballot:

VOTE NOVEMBER 7TH!

Friday Cat/Dog/Child/Small Appliance Blogging

2006-10-27T21:54:00.000-04:00

Just kidding! I'm completely alone in the world! Instead, here's a small slice of what passes for giving my life meaning: Jared Leto almost making out with himself. Enjoy!

I am so smart..S-M-R-T.. I mean, S-M-A-R-T

2006-10-26T14:56:00.000-04:00

The last month has been pretty slow blog-wise, but not too bad career-wise. (Who knew that I just needed to neglect the internet?) A few weeks ago I was awarded a campus fellowship, and just this morning I found out that my recent candidate gene work will be included in a meeting for which only 135 people were invited worldwide.

Luckily, this afteroon I have to give a lecture on my topic to 40 undergraduates. There's nothing like undergrads to remind you how very, very little you actually know about anything.

Still, I appologize for the non-blogging lately. Due to the abovementioned fellowship, I've spent the last couple of days at a workshop, or as we called it, "Postdoc Summer Camp". They made me take the Meyers-Briggs Personality test! I'm hoping to write a complete post on this later, but here's a taste: apparently, I'm extremely organized, hyper-critical, and just a little bit controlling! Somewhere, Prairie Oyster is having a heart attack from not surprised.

In Which I Bag On Jesus Just a Little More

2006-10-22T15:19:00.000-04:00

This is what you get when you homeschool your kids.

Why do I think this guy got his PhD from Mom and Dad U? Seriously, content aside, that's some terrible writing! Maybe God told them they didn't need a copy editor.

Things I Learned By Watching VH1

2006-10-22T00:20:00.000-04:00

1. Fergie's video, "London Bridge", still sucks. A LOT.

2. Gnarls Barkley made a cover of The Violent Femmes' "Gone Daddy Gone" I used to listen to that song at parties...while drinking Kool Aid mixed with vodka in a plastic garbage can. Eh, so much for nostalgia.

3. Speaking of old...the Red Hot Chili Peppers are still making music. I was shocked to see Anthony Kiedis without a walker.

"Jesus is my decider."

- Spaniard in Residence

Why I Hate College Football, part pi:

2006-10-21T18:39:00.000-04:00

1. Even though the football team at this school is like, Division IV-ZZZ and there isn't even a STADIUM (although we do have some really kicky bleachers) everybody in this God-forsaken town decided to come to the football game today. Which, when I give a moment's consideration to the entertainment options around here, is not really all that surprising. HOWEVER, it did require me to park on the dark side of the moon and WALK a billion miles to my lab so I could get some GODDAMNED work done. It also delayed the eating of my lunch by about 30 minutes, and THAT, young reader, is UNFORGIVABLE.

2. There appears to be a game day uniform for young female students, consisting of the official Cali College t-shirt and the shortest jean skirt allowed by the laws of physics (see abovementioned bleachers). Nothing says "We've got spirit, yes we do" like a heapin' helpin' of ass cheek, apparently.

3. Ok, not technically related to football, but also annoying is this school, which allows third- and fourth-graders to leave class for Bible Study. The school is located in Indiana, natch. Kids who don't participate in the class "do not have instructional time", which I'm assuming is actually code for "head on your desk and contemplate your own damnation" time. The classes are run by the Morgan County Schools of Weekday Religious Education, which said:

...the classes are non-denominational and focus on the Bible.

It seems that in these dark days, 'nondenominational' has come to mean "any deity you want, as long as it's Jesus."

Look Away, Mom

2006-10-18T22:51:00.000-04:00

The Nymph
Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer (DBSDf)

Sly. Sensual. Guarded. Different somehow. You are The Nymph.

It appears like you're looking for a fling or a casual sexual relationship, but it's not that simple. You're a hungry but also very careful person, and this generates a certain amount of sexual tension within you and in your relationships. In other aspects of life, you get what you want. In relationships, that's not always the case.

It's possible you intimidate potential lovers. Most likely, though, you're a little closed off--therefore mysterious--and, naturally, people find that difficult to get with. Maybe it's just part of your selection

Your exact opposite:
The Peach

Random Gentle Love Master

process, though. You've been in enough relationships to know to expose yourself slowly.

When you do feel comfortable with someone, though, your torrid sexual appetite will make him very happy. Your cautious nature is also a big asset in a long-term relationship. It might take longer for love to establish itself, but when it does, it's all the stronger.

ALWAYS AVOID: The False Messiah

CONSIDER: The Playboy

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

I am unique and beautiful

2006-10-16T22:36:00.000-04:00

HowManyOfMe.com

There are:
0
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

That's first AND last, baby. Thanks, Dr. Brazen!

I'm Still Alive!

2006-10-10T16:47:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the posting drought, but the job has overtaken my life. In the meantime, read this random forum thread, or as I like to call it, "everything that's wrong with America".

One More Video, But It's Worth It!

2006-09-30T00:38:00.000-04:00

via Boing Boing

Not With a Bang But With a Whimper

2006-09-30T00:30:00.000-04:00

From CNN this morning:

As Seen on TV

2006-09-28T23:07:00.001-04:00

Three movies in our departmental office (for professors to show to their classes):

Bizarre Rituals

Brain Sex III

Star Trek ep. 102: "Darmok"

Another YouTube Post = Lazy Blogging

2006-09-28T01:16:00.004-04:00

Yes, I know. I've been really busy at work and I haven't been sleeping well. However, here's a tidbit to tide you over. Kirk Cameron and his mustachioed friend use a banana to prove the existence of God. Not since Judas kissed Jesus at Gethsemane has fundamentalist Christianity been so homoerotic!

How many logical inconsistencies/incorrect assumptions can you spot? A prize for the astute reader who lists the most!

Highlights Of My Day

2006-09-27T00:50:00.000-04:00

#1: I bought bunion pads. For the bunions. On my feet. It's a long story, but I can tell you it involved the immoderate use of pointe shoes during my youth. Voila - I have my grandmother's feet.

#2: This video of Hugo Chavez. If you get to the sixteenth time he inexplicably refers to George W. Bush as "Meester Danger" and you still have a straight face, you officially have no soul. Also, there are cows in the background. For the love of God, cows!

Because men hate ceiling fans?

2006-09-23T22:44:00.001-04:00

From the MSN home page, a link for their new lifestyle feature BeJane - Home Repair for women.

I was prepared to be offended, but the actual site isn't as horrific and pandering as I feared. There's lots of information on practical things like laying a walkway, how to paint over stain, and when you should break down and hire a contractor. And the interface isn't even pink. Still, the idea of a special home repair site for women... I don't know. It seems a little patronizing. To be fair, though, I'm probably not the the best woman in the world to evaluate this site:

1. I rent. I've never owned a house, and I have no idea what kind of work goes into fixing a house. Even as a renter, though, I've had the chance to do some home repair -lite (patching holes, painting, etc.). In these cases, I've always been able to rely on my ability to read a book (or do a frickin' google search) in order to learn what I needed to know*. And not some special home repair book for ladies, just regular, old books. The idea that women need specialized information on how to fix their houses implies that they won't or can't access more traditional sources, possibly because they're too manly.

2. I'm not married. Never have been. Additionally, when I have been in the position to cohabit with a man , they've been the sort of worthless layabout that, although good looking, would be overwhelmed by the experience of picking up a paintbrush. Perhaps in more traditional couples, the male half of the couple does the home repair - I wouldn't know. However, a ladies-only site assumes that women, married or not, need this information, while dudes already have it in their heads (possibly via osmosis).

Another thing I noticed about BeJane is that, unlike 99% of msn.com features, it's not an advertisement poorly disguised as a web feature. In fact, there's almost no advertising at all - just one little ad for LowerMyBills.com. Why no advertising? Wouldn't this be the perfect place for Home Depot or Lowes or something? Hell, even blogs with no advertising are rare. What's the purpose of having a site with a targeted audience (and it doesn't get much more targeted than single female homeowners) if you're not going to make a buck off of it? How very humanitarian of them.

I hate the fact that I'm poised to be offended by this site, even though it's done nothing patently offensive. There's just too must that puts my offense-o-meter on alert.

*In the interest of full disclosure, the first thing I do before undertaking any home repair project is call my mom, who is very good a practical quick fixes. Unless I need to fix my car - then I call my youngest brother. Not because he's a dude, but because he knows stuff.

La Blonde Overheard

2006-09-22T09:28:00.000-04:00

In Target, a woman talking to her seven-year-old daughter:

"Be quiet now. You're as bad as my momma with the Johnny Depp."

Yarrr!

2006-09-19T11:26:00.000-04:00

Avast, ye scurvy dogs, it's International Talk Like A Pirate Day! I'll be swabbin' the decks here in the lab, and celebratin' with rum and ill-gotten booty* later tonight!

*Actually, more like bourbon and my borrowed copy of Crashing The Gate. Whatevs. Yarrrr!

UPDATE: LoadingReady provides the finer points of talking like a pirate. Go there now, me beauties!

A Week of Crabby: Things Can Only Get Better

2006-09-15T22:58:00.000-04:00

I got home from my run tonight, and found that the empty apartment next to mine was now full. Not only were they blocking my parking spot with their car, but they are in possession of a small, odious child. I predict that this will not be a positive experience.

Crabby Extra!

2006-09-15T00:36:00.000-04:00

Oh my sweet Christ.

via BoingBoing

A Week of Crabby: Crabby on the Road

2006-09-14T20:27:00.000-04:00

Last night, I attended the 1-year anniversary party for the Oakland chapter of Drinking Liberally. First, few words on the city of Oakland:

Not so much on the left turn lights

Also, not so much on the left turn lanes

In fact, if you're ever in Oakland, you probably shouldn't plan on making any left turns. Ever.

But I did get there (thanks for fucking nothing Google Maps), and had a great time. I was really amazed by (1) the amount of progressive energy and optimism, and (2) the sheer number of people who write for liberal blogs. Unfortunately, I can only remember two. Regardless, give them some click lovin', won't you?

Matt O. @ firedoglake

A.Citizen @ The DL Oakland Blog

Also, my favorite quote of the evening was from a guy who had spent the day phone banking, and was relaxing with a bottle of malt liquor or three:

"In the language of the metric system, we call that 'off the fuckin' hinges', dude!"

Lesson learned? If you're ever in Oakland, CA on the first or third Wednesday of the month, drop by Lukas taproom and lounge. The french fries with curry mustard are fantastic. Be prepared to make a lot of right turns.

A Week of Crabby: You might say I'm crabby, but I'm not the only one

2006-09-13T16:06:00.000-04:00

Bill Maher, to the Onion AV Club:

People come up to me all the time and say, "This [America] is such a stupid country." And it is. Unfortunately, it is. It has millions of bright people in it. I like to think that they comprise a good part of my audience. But there's no doubt about it, it's a stupid country. It was in The New York Times last week that when they asked the question "Do you think human beings evolved from an earlier species of animal?" the only Western nation that responded "no" more often than America was Turkey. Thirty different countries, including Bulgaria. Ooh, that one hurt. I got to say, that hurt. That was like a knife in the gut. Even Bulgaria gets it about evolution more than we do. That's a stupid country.

Read the rest of the interview here

A Week of Crabby: Hits From The Blog

2006-09-12T01:22:00.000-04:00

The following Google searches have brought people here in the last week:

Sinful Ladies

Emo conservative magazine

trannies parisienne

how to look attractive daily

blonde Jared Leto

it really bothers me when

"russias greatest love machine"

colon cleanliness

castration

i'm ashamed

I think that makes two of us. All in all, a pretty fair summary of what goes on here.

A Week of Crabby: Day One

2006-09-12T01:10:00.000-04:00

What's my problem? Who knows. I'm crabby.

I love Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations show (Mondays at 10 on the Travel Channel) almost as much as I love the man himself.

...but if he describes one more place as "a land of contrasts" I'm gonna punch my TV.

I Heart The Friday Random Ten

2006-09-08T19:42:00.000-04:00

My God, there's no Bowie, no Elvis Costello. I barely recognize it...

Cemetery Gates - The Smiths
Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad - Meat Loaf
FM - Steely Dan
Indiana Wants Me - R. Dean Taylor
No One Is To Blame - Howard Jones
Babe - Styx
Different Drum - Linda Ronstadt
Instant Happiness - Gary Reynolds
Faithfully - Journey
Hard To Say I'm Sorry/ Get Away - Chicago

Today In Bad Ideas, Part Deux

2006-09-08T00:46:00.000-04:00

A man in South Bend, Indiana was huffing a can of compressed air. Perhaps not the best life choice, but things didn't go really bad until the propellent was ignited. By the cigarette he was smoking. While he huffed. The can - and the huffer - promptly exploded.

And people say I'm a dumb ass.

Via Daily Rotten

Good News Overload

2006-09-07T15:50:00.000-04:00

I've gotten so used to depressing news, I'm not sure I can stand it. They're gonna find me slumped over at my desk with big-ass smile on my face. Dead at 29 from acute optimism.

Item 1: Nature Magazine is reporting that Pope Benedict the whatever-th will come out against intelligent design, following meetings with a philosopher, a Jesuit priest and a molecular biologist at his annual retreat. (Link is subscription only, unless you're on a university network.) The proceedings will be published later this year. According to the article:

...discussions at the meeting suggest that the Church will probably affirm a form of theistic evolution, which posits the general principle that biological evolution is valid, although set in motion by God. At the same time, it seems likely to reject the fundamental intelligent-design principle that God was a watchmaker, intervening in the details. "Intelligent design as an intervention of God during evolution will not be an outcome," predicts Schuster [The above-mentioned molecular biologist, and also the president of the Austrian Academy of Sciences]. "I got the impression that there was general agreement that evolutionary biology is a undeniable science and not a hypothesis."

Item 2: The Senate Foreign Relations Committee has postponed the vote on Bolton's nomination to the UN. Richard Lugar, a Republican Senator from Indiana (Grrrrr) has not said why the vote was postponed, but you don't have to read too far between the lines. In fact, it's so easy, I'll do it for you: (From the Reuters article)

Given Democratic opposition to Bolton's nomination, all Republicans on the committee would have to back him in order to send his name to the Senate with a full endorsement. Republican Sen. Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island, who is locked in a tight re-election bid, has not publicly said how he would vote.

Wow, fascism sure is hard when rubber-stamping the president becomes a political liability!

via Kos and Atrios, a.k.a. 'The Big Dogs'.

Isn't that nice? That's what it feels like when every day doesn't bring a fresh excursion into the depths of bowel-twisting dispair!

I Love Google Ads

2006-09-07T11:41:00.000-04:00

While reading an article on methamphetamine use the other day, I found this, and just had to take a screen shot:

Google Ads: Givin'The People What They Want

The Previous Post

2006-09-07T11:35:00.000-04:00

Was removed. Not because of any problem, but because I'm still not comfortable with the whole anonymity thing. I was nervous about somebody I know in real life finding it. Too bad, too, because I was getting some good advice!

More Lies From The Liberal Media

2006-09-03T01:38:00.000-04:00

On August 29th, a Chicago girl was bitten by her pet monkey. Although both the web page and the accompanying video unambiguously describe the animal as a spider monkey, if you watch the video you will see that it is obviously, obviously a rhesus macaque. How about some goddamned accountability in reporting?

In other news, Fergie's new song, "London Bridge" sure does suck some ass, doesn't it?

Friday Random Ten

2006-09-01T22:17:00.000-04:00

It appears that I've got one ecclectic-ass music library. Whatever. I'm going shopping tomorrow.

Sweet Baby James - James Taylor
I Won't Back Down - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Will To Love - Dreams Come True
If She Wants Me - Belle and Sebastian
Honky Tonk Women - The Rolling Stones
Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution - AC/DC
Purple Rain - Prince
Signed, Sealed, Delivered I'm Yours - Stevie Wonder
Belive - Cher
Take On Me - Ah Ha

I'm A Very Bad Girl

2006-09-01T12:41:00.000-04:00

It's the Friday before a long weekend.

Neither my boss or the lab manager will be in today. I'm flying solo.

Got paid today.

One must ask oneself: what would a mature, responsible scientist do?

Would she burn illicit mix CDs?

Would she spend the morning reading dKos?

Would she print out directions for her big weekend shopping trip?

No, she would not.

Screw it. I don't have shelf space for that Nobel anyway.

More bloggy goodness, including the Friday Random Ten, to come. Stay tuned!

You May Hear A Rumor

2006-08-31T11:13:00.000-04:00

...that it is my birthday. That would be correct: I am 29 years old today. I'd like to say thank you for the cards and congratulations that I've received, especially considering that all I did was go one more year without dying. The real congratulations should go to my mom, who brought me into the world all those years ago, and never acted on the temptation to take me back out. Thanks mom, I hope it's been worth it!

This Just In: Bush Hates Puppies, Your Grandma

2006-08-30T11:45:00.000-04:00

In anticipation of budget cuts, the EPA is boxing up library materials and documents, ending public access to all EPA materials, and closing several libraries in the Midwest and South. How will this affect the way the EPA works? Well, I suspect it's similar to the way a razor blade to the hamstring would affect Marion Jones, but perhaps I'm being overly dramatic. Let's hear it from someone within the EPA:

“If OECA is involved in a civil or criminal litigation and the judge asks for documentation, we can currently rely upon a library to locate the information and have it produced to a court house in a timely manner. Under the cuts called for in the plan, timeliness for such services is not addressed.”

WHEW! And I was WORRIED! As long as it's going to make it harder for the government to prosecute people who violate environmental regulations it's A-OK by me. You're doin' a heckuva job, Bushy!

via Slashdot, which I read so you don't have to.

It's Not My Fault - I Exercise Ugly

2006-08-30T01:31:00.000-04:00

I was running in the park this evening and two guys (I don't know, maybe college age - I can't tell anymore) were riding up on bicycles. Maybe I was getting checked out. Maybe. Because the next thing I know, one of the guys misses the pedal on his bike, falls off, skids sideways and takes out his friend.* Perhaps it was my fault, perhaps it wasn't, but I'll tell you one thing: I wasn't wearing a sport corset**.

*To the best of my knowledge, they both survived.

**For your information, I was wearing an old t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and a pair of shorts that used to belong to my mother. Not that it's anyone's business; I just thought you should know. Also, I was sweating profusely.

Sport-corset Fallout! Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Ugly

2006-08-28T12:20:00.000-04:00

I've disagreed with Twisty in the past, but I'm going ditto-head on this one: the sport corset in an abomination.

Yet, there are women who defend their right to look sexy while they exercise. I have no problem with looking sexy (obviously, *wink, wink*), but this bothered me just a little bit:

When I do exercise (which is rare, aside from all the walking I do), I don’t exercise for my health; I exercise because I want to look good. And why do I want to look good? For men.

So wait-not only are you exercising solely to make your body more pleasing to men, but you are so afraid of male displeasure that you feel forced to look attractive while you are molding your body for male pleasure? Although I feel that occasionally, Twisty is too quick to brand straight women "patriarchal sexbots", I can't read quotes like the one above and not think, "Damn, girl, you are a slave." Where is the middle ground between "every act by a member of an opressed class is a political act" and "I must constantly be a dewy, nubile object of male fantasy"? If shocks me that while women desire the opportunity to be treated equally, many still haven't come to terms with their own humanity. Ladies: you are human beings. Human beings do gross things. They sweat and burp and crap and get nasty red zits, and occasionally, cactus dermatitis. So do the men that you're trying to hard to entice, and God knows they don't hide it. How can we expect men to treat us as equals if we don't give ourselves the luxury of being human?

UPDATE: What Amanda Marcotte said.

In California College Town, They Can't Hear You Scream

2006-08-27T20:24:00.000-04:00

This is the view from the window of where I stayed. I could post other pictures, but they would be redundant, wouldn't they?

A List of Things I Did In San Francisco

Climbed to the top of Bernal Hill Park.

Ate peaches on the street in the Haight.

Watched a drum circle in Golden Gate Park.

Learned that there is some truth to the joke, 'What's worse than a drum circle?' The answer? 'Two drum circles'.

Became proficient at parallel parking on a 50-degree hill, backwards and downhill

Learned that 'don't ride your brakes down the hill' is well-intentioned, but ultimately hilariously un-useful advice.

Walked through boutiques on Valencia

Hung out with liberal (they call themselves 'progressive') bloggers.

Learned that there's a lot of draahma associated with being a progressive blogger

Decided that a group of democrats will be known as a horde of liberals while a group of republicans will be known as a virtue of conservatives. And, like as not, they will impregnate your daughter.

Saw firefighters carry a dead guy out of the Mission Dolores Basilica.(Ok, not cool, per se, but it is something I did.

Saw an underground sketch comedy show. Funniest thing? Guy talking about why he and his girlfriend had decided not to get married: "... plus, if I don't actually get to own her, what's the point?"

There was lots more: eathing tacos in the Mission, the Embarcadero, and especially hanging out with ET. One thing is certain, though. I'll be going back. Soon.

This is apropos of nothing, besides the fact that I really, really want you to see it. Can you believe a man would actually spend money on this? (Totally safe for work.)

Friday Random Ten - Jared Leto Edition

2006-08-25T15:45:00.000-04:00

Did I mention I love Jared Leto? 'Cause I do - even if he stole my look from like, 13 years ago.

Space Clown - Jobriath (Standing in for Bowie in the FRT)
A Spoonful Weighs a Ton - The Flaming Lips
Don't Let It Show - The Alan Parsons Project
Hey Cassanova - Duncan Sheik
Endless Rain - X Japan (This is my new, most favoritest song)
Ordinary Boys - Morrisey (Even though every time I listen to Morrisey, Prairie Oyster dies a little inside)
Through With Buzz - Steely Dan
Shipbuilding - Elvis Costello
Wedding Song - The Psychadelic Furs
Hello, Good Night - The Aquabats

In Other San Francisco News

2006-08-25T11:25:00.000-04:00

The San Francisco Zoo has a horse that may or may not be named after Ann Coulter. I would never denigrate a woman's opinions based solely upon her appearance, check the article and see for yourself. I'm just sayin'.

And if you haven't gotten your A.C. fix for the day, head over to Crooks and Liars to watch her claim that Afganistan is going "swimmingly" before getting run over by the TRUTH TRAIN™!!! Funny how someone who is so eager to send other people to their deaths gets very, very upset when other people talk over her.

"Waah, I'm Ann Coulter, and I didn't get my talking points in. Boo Hoo."

I'm so EXCITED!

2006-08-25T09:14:00.000-04:00

I'm going to San Francisco for the weekend. Me and my cactus dermatitis (Did you even know there was such a thing? It's a rash you get after a cactus attack.) are out of here. Screw you, college town!

Please, Don't Marry Me!

2006-08-23T23:26:00.000-04:00

Prairie Oyster addresses Forbes' horribly misogynist slideshow. (It's has been taken down and replaced with this. Cowards.)

In addition, the unfortunately named but very funny Hipster Pit produces her own twist on marrying a career woman.

P.S. For those of you interested, or who may possibly have money riding on this, the time lag between ExtremelyTall's arrival in SF and the phone call? 32 hours.

Today in Apathy

2006-08-23T16:49:00.000-04:00

I just got an e-mail from John Edwards. Don't be too impressed. My hit and run with New York progressive politics means that I'm on about eleventy billion mailing lists. Almost every day, NARAL or Barbra Boxer or somebody is asking me to Make A Difference. Today it just happened to be 'ole J.E. But here's the thing: he's asking me to

Tell George Bush to lead the effort to create a NATO force in Darfur NOW

Don't get me wrong - I think that having a NATO force there, like, yesterday would help the situation a lot. But how absolutely deluded do you have to be to think that 1) GWB gives half a crap about anything going on in Darfur and 2) sending e-mails to the white house will have any influence on policy what-so-evah? Asking GWB to create a NATO force for Darfur is like me asking my mom's cat to make me dinner. I can be, like "Hey cat! Make me dinner!" The cat is just going to look at me, and like as not, crap on the carpet. It's the exact same thing.

Today in Really, Really Bad Ideas

2006-08-23T00:41:00.000-04:00

Satan's own testicles

Today, I had a great idea. A really brilliant idea. On one of my runs through campus, I had noticed a prickly pear cactus - and it was fruiting. I decided to go out in the evening, pick a bunch of fruit, and take them back to La Maison du Blonde, where I would proceed to make jelly out of them. It was foolproof: easy, free, and most importantly, it would distract me from this hell hole they call a college town.

Although cooks.com assured me that I needed leather gloves and BBQ tongs to pick the fruit, when I got out there, they looked so harmless: no big thorns, and definitely nothing that would necessitate BBQ tongs. I scoffed at cooks.com's hyperbole. I reached up and grabbed. I will henceforth refer to this as mistake number one.

The reason you can't see any visible stickers on the prickly pear fruit is because the entire goddamned thing is covered in miniscule, hairlike thorns. And now, so was my hand. I tried to use my other hand to brush them off, but as dermatology.org would tell me about an hour too late, this was mistake number two, because the thorns will stick to anything your rub them against. Now I had billions of tiny thorns in both hands. Attempts to shake them off, or as I like to call it, mistake number three, only managed to lodge them in my tongue, lips, and the roof of my mouth. Oh yeah.

At this point, I was about a mile and a half from home, covered in very small and, might I say, quite painful little thorns, and completely alone. What to do? I pulled out my cell phone, called my only friend in this time zone, the vivacious Prarie Oyster, and sheepishly asked her if she could do a google search on "cactus spine removal" for me. She gave me far more sympathy than I deserved (seeing that I've just done the most moronic thing possible) and soon I was home.

The answer? Candle wax. Remove the really stubborn ones with tweezers. Or rather, have your significant other remove them with tweezers. I'm right handed, and tweezing with my left hand requires a dexterity that I don't currently possess. Unfortunately, I also don't currently possess a significant other, which means I'm still carrying quite a few thorns in my fingers. I got out enough of them to type and go to the bathroom. You know, the essentials. I'm going to have to take out my contact lenses eventually, but I'm going to cross that bridge when I come to it. Let me assure you, though, that nothing makes for a fun evening like pulling tiny, sharp hairs out of your tongue. It goes right next to stepping barefoot on legos on my list of things that suck balls.

Morale is at an all-time low here in la maison. I'm exhausted, in pain, my kitchen is covered in hardened wax, and my attempts at whining are like a tree falling in the forest. I quit - I'm going to bed.

CNN screws up science reporting, part eleventy billion

2006-08-22T21:17:00.000-04:00

Scientists: 'Hobbit' was ancestor of pygmy

Sweet christ. No wonder most people believe in intelligent design. I read the original PNAS article today, and CNN's summary of this is disgraceful.

Only 124 days 'till Christmas

2006-08-22T15:20:00.000-04:00

For all the men in your life who can't seem to keep their hands off their junk, there's the ManHood. Apparently, circumcision makes everything more easily irritated, so this guy made an artificial foreskin. Although it kind of looks like tiny klan hood, I suppose it functions more like a little dust cover for your penis (not mine, obviously).

See the ManHood! Beware: the really interesting parts of the site are NSFW, and it plays music for no apparent reason, so turn your volume down before clicking.

For your right-wing uncle who has everything, why not some Genuine New Iraqi Dinars? Sure, they aren't technically currency as such, but the Bet On Iraq assures you:

When a bank with branches in the US has established a presence in Iraq, we should be able to exchange them here in the US.

Even though...

BetOnIraq.com currently will not buy your dinars back, it is likely that when a market develops, we will.

A cynical, amoral lefty might say that this means that Dinars actually have no value, but that would mean that you hate freedom. Probably you hate kittens, too. Commie.

In the words of Spaniard-in-Residence:

You sell dollars, and you get dinars. How good is that!

And if you can't trust a citizen of a country that has currently pulled all their troops out of the middle east, who can you trust?

Besides, you can't get them a cast-resin Native American-shaped figurine every year...

What kind of meat are you: because you have to know.

2006-08-21T16:54:00.000-04:00

You Are Duck

Exotic and unusual, you are a bit of a rare bird - literally.
You're known for being soft and succulent, though at times you can be a bit greasy.

What Kind of Meat Are You?

Today in Cognitive Dissonance

2006-08-21T11:42:00.000-04:00

From George W. Bush's press conference this morning:

"I would never question the patriotism of someone who disagrees with me."*

From LaBlonde, who was doing her hair whilst listening to the press conference:

"But... you... How can you... (unintelligible sputtering).... YOU DO IT ALL THE TIME!!!
(Sighs)Yeah, fine. Whatever. Terrorists hate freedom."**

*The quote is approximately what he said, since I can't fine the transcript online yet.

**Did you notice how he was referring to the NSA's warrantless wiretapping as "terrorist surveillance", rather than what is really is - "ordinary American surveillance"? A clever one, that GWB.

LaBlonde Book Club

2006-08-21T11:29:00.000-04:00

What did I do on my blogging hiatus? Well, I worked, and I read. One of the things I read was Barbra Kingsolver's "Prodigal Summer". I've read several books by this author, and I think I remember enjoying them all. "The Bean Trees" was good, and so was "Poisonwood Bible". Plus, I was at work, and I needed some reading material (*ahem*), and it was either "Prodigal Summer" or "The Inuit of Northern Alaska". Sometimes, life's choices are bleak.

And they were about to get much bleaker. Seriously, I hated this book more than anything I've read since "Angels and Demons" (or as I like to call it "Cell Phones Don't Have a Dial Tone, Dickhole!!"). However, it wasn't just scientific inaccuracy or a non-acquaintance with the physics of everyday life that made me hate "Prodigal Summer" so much; it was that it might as well have been titled "Barbra Kingsolver Goes to a Womyn's Drum Circle and Becomes a Really Crappy Writer".

The book is set in rural Appalachia, a place to which I've personally never been, but where apparently, everyone is a stereotype. You've got the gossiping shopkeeper, the sanctimonious Bible-thumper, the eccentric, college-educated environmentalist, and especially the deeply good character, the one who in spite of all the indignity that life has thrown at her, never loses her sense of humor. This character, of course, bites it. Hard.

It tells the story of three women: a young one, a middle-aged one, and an old one. Perhaps what Kingsolver is trying to tell us through these characters is that there are three ages of woman, each beautiful and rewarding in its own way, and each with its own trials and glories. That the only way to move on is to put the pain of the previous stage behind you. Or perhaps she just hates her readers, and is trying to commit murder by bludgeoning us with an obvious metaphor.

One of my problems with the book is that within the first twenty pages, Kingsolver has already mapped out the specific life lesson that each protagonist is supposed to learn during the course of the novel. As the story progresses, she basically stops trying, and just describes each new character in terms of the life lesson he or she will be required to learn (see: 'stereotypes', above). For example, one of the women in the story was the only child of estranged parents, and now feels smothered by her new husband's many siblings. Do you think that she'll see the value of family, possibly involving an adorable child (see: 'deeply good character bites it', above), before the end of the book? Ooooh, I'm voting for 'yes'!

The thing I object to the most, though, is the character of the old woman, or rather, Kingsolver's treatment of her. Of course, she is feisty, full of piss and vinegar, and A Lesson To Us All. But Kingsolver spends so many pages describing the beauty of the real female body and the wonder that is using it to bang a jailbait farmhand, yet the old woman never gets any. No, she has to be content with some low-level cuddling. I have a serious problem with this, especially in light of how many words Kingsolver wastes describing the sexual cycles of her female protagonists - seriously, the book takes place over three months, yet we get to read about a biologically impossible number of ovulations, menstruations, and "not so fresh feelings". The actions of the younger women in the book are guided by these rhythms; mostly guided into having vaguely described sex-lite. They do it again and again and, God help me, again. It's because of Kingsolver's florid yet repetitive prose describing the joy of all things female that I don't think it's a coincidence that the only woman in the book who isn't fertile also doesn't get to have any sex. Apparently, she doesn't even want it, but is content to think back warmly on her younger, possibly more passionate days (once again, Kingsolver is long on words and short on details). Is Kingsolver suggesting that while men are innately sexual, female sexuality only exists in the context of our fertility? That the only reason a woman would become aroused is because of a basic biological drive, and only then because the author is trying to create yet another tremendously labored metaphor (this time to moths and coyotes)? Didn't the drum circle teach her anything?? But it also reminds me - I could dissect the point that each protagonist in the story is also metaphorically associated with an aspect of nature, but I'm tired of typing the word metaphor, and really, it's just a metaphor in the broadest sense, like me saying, "This book is a giant pile of crap". See? I've just drawn a parallel between crap, which comes out of your ass, and "Prodigal Summer" which was obviously pulled out of someone's ass*. Oprah's Book Club, here I come!

P.S. Another major theme is that rugged, yet taut young men are all desperately horny for women between the ages of 30 and 45. I'd like to savage this point as well, but I'm not going to. Mostly because I'm really, really hoping that it is true. Oh yeah, two more years and then its all the strong-but-silent high school seniors I can handle. Thanks, Barbra Kingsolver!

Update: I seem to remember Al Franken making a similar joke in his excellent book "Lies...". If so, my apologies to Mr. Franken for being so goddamned funny.

Blogging Hiatus

2006-08-16T18:50:00.000-04:00

Hey everybody-

I will be putting the blog on hiatus for about a week.

Best,

LaBlonde

I can't even describe this

2006-08-14T12:10:00.000-04:00

The president of Iran has a blog. Next to Syria's MySpace page (which I never visit - it always plays that stupid Nickleback song), it's gotta be one of the more novel things on the web.

Instant inspiration

2006-08-13T20:25:00.000-04:00

Make your own motivational poster!

via lifehacker

Humanity is doomed

2006-08-13T16:00:00.000-04:00

Somebody over at Something Awful did a little artful data mining on the recently released AOL search logs. This is the result. If you can read this and not think that we deserve to exterminate each other, I applaud your optimism. 'Cause it makes me feel like I should quit my job and devote myself to developing some sort of addiction.

But what really bothers me is the picture

2006-08-12T17:24:00.000-04:00

Your Personality Is Like Heroin

You're capable of the highest highs and the lowest lows.
Addicted to feeling good, you'll do almost anything to avoid pain.
People seek you out, even though you can be quite moody. They're hooked on you!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

via clare

Friday Random 10

2006-08-11T12:52:00.000-04:00

Summer Days - Bob Dylan
Young Offender - Pet Shop Boys
Fighting in Built Up Areas - Ladytron
The Flower of Carnage - Meiko Kaji
Everybody Have Fun Tonight - Wang Chung
Find The River - R.E.M.
Dance the Night Away - Van Halen
The Magnificent Seven - The Clash
Si Je Meurs Ce Soir - MC Solaar
Believe - Cher

Sweet love hangover

2006-08-11T11:58:00.000-04:00

No, that's definitely a sangria hangover, that beverage being both cheap and plentiful in these parts.

The demographics of this place being what they are, I ended up hanging out with a bunch of couples last night. It's good for me, because being around couples reminds me why I should never, ever talk to men, on the off chance that I accidentally end up a part of one. Anyway, nobody could ever make being a fifth wheel as fun and Dr. Brazen Hussy and Publius. Happy anniversary, guys!

Plus, I learned last night that there are mountain lions in town. That's right - moun. tain. li. ons. I could be walking around, minding my own business and WHAM - out of nowhere have my throat ripped out by a vicious carnivore. So I've got that going for me.

Spam politeness continues!

2006-08-09T13:15:00.000-04:00

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Spam 'o the day

2006-08-09T12:11:00.000-04:00

Good day to you Sir! Studies show this is the most common disorder affecting millions of men - and women, too! Gain confidence with Extra-Time, a ground-breaking thing making your life better. You tried condoms, pauses, alcohol, but nothing worked. Eager to find a way to stop this premature thing forever? Come on in here: http://umaroll.com/gall/get/ Give her the beautiful romantic evening full of love that she has been waiting for.

Have you ever noticed...

2006-08-09T12:10:00.000-04:00

...that seeing a three-legged dog makes you think about stuff?

Hopefully, the final word on colon cleanliness

2006-08-08T23:40:00.000-04:00

First, a trip through the wonderful world of tissue cleansing and colon health, including some pictures that you're probably going to wish you hadn't seen. Really, all you need to know is this:

The following photographs are taken from Tissue Cleaning Through Bowel Management, a 1981 treatise by nutritionist Dr. Bernard Jensen (b. 1908, d. 2001)... He based his philosophy in the homeopath Constantine Hering's Law of Cure -- "All cure starts from within out and from the head down and in reverse order as the symptoms have appeared" -- which led him to the corollary that all illness stemmed from dysfunctions of the bowel.

Next, a breath of fresh air from Quackwatch, assuring me that poo doesn't actually build up, and in fact:

Some people have reported expelling large amounts of what they claim to be feces that have accumulated on he intestinal wall. However, experts believe these are simply "casts" formed by the fiber contained in the "cleansing" products.

All I can say is thank GOD. I have spent a really disproportionate amount of time thinking about colon health and especially tons and tons of scary built-up internal poo over the past ten days. I can finally relax, and you can finally never read about this topic anymore.

Finally, in case you were interested, how clean should your colon be? This site reminds us, though, that for every point of view, there will be an opposite and freaking insane point of view, such as this commenter at the above-linked site:

As an individual who has endured FDA-approved drugs for almost every ailment know to man, without a cure, I think it is hypocritical to label all alternative treatments as scams. I recently began a colon hydrotherapy program and have had wonderful results. I don't have to worry about having an FDA-approved drug recalled because of its side effects, either, since the active ingredient is filtered water!

Yes m'am (or sir) the active ingredient is filtered water. Approximately 20 gallons of filtered water shot into your colon at high pressure. Air is all natural, too, but now that I know better, I won't go putting that in my rear, either.

I'm ashamed of myself

2006-08-08T00:25:00.000-04:00

...but I still think this is funny.

Monday I-have-my-PhD-Goddamnit

2006-08-07T18:46:00.000-04:00

Middle-Aged German Visiting Researcher: So are you a grad student? A technician?

Me: I'm the Postdoc.

MAGVR: No... really? You don't look like you could be a postdoc.

Me: Yes. I am.

MAGVR: Really? You don't look old enough to be a postdoc.

Me: You're really just going to have to trust me on this.

Book Meme

2006-08-06T01:55:00.000-04:00

Tagged by Dr. Brazen. Ok, here we go..

1. One book that changed your life?

Tao Te Ching, by Lao Tzu. Special mention goes to The Demon-Haunted World, by Carl Sagan.

2. One book you have read more than once?

I'll read pretty much anything multiple times. I read my copy of Jane Eyre to shreds, but my Dad's copy of Grow It! met the same fate.

3. One book you would want on a desert island?

The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien. It's the literary equivalent of chocolate chip cookies in bed on a rainy day.

4. One book that made you laugh?

The Straight Dope, by Cecil Adams. Also, anything by the Harvard Lampoon.

5. One book that made you cry?

Recently, Jimmy Corrigan, or The Smartest Kid on Earth, by F.C. Ware. When they told me it was a graphic novel more depressing than Maus I really should have listened.

6. One book you wish had been written?

An idiot's guide to Nietzche, Keirkegaard and Schopenhauer. I'm sure they exist separately, but I'm talking about, like, 100 pages that I can read in the bathroom so as not to look like a total moron at parties.

7. One book you wish had never been written?

The Da Vinci Code, by Dan Fucking Brown. Also, quite possibly the entire Harry Potter series. Now hear me out - I don't object to fun, escapist reading. I've read to many fantasy paperbacks to say that. What I object to is people who never read anything, and get all self-congratulatory because they actually cracked a book, albeit a book that offers no intellectual challenge AT ALL. As for Harry Potter, I read them too, but I don't understand how you can stay engaged if all you read are books for 12-year-olds. Special mention goes to the entire chick-lit genre.

8. One book you are currently reading?

The Feminine Mystique, by Betty Friedan. Also The Science of Good and Evil, by Michael Shermer.

9. One book you have been meaning to read?

Anna Karenina, by Leo Tolstoy. I swear to God, I have been trying to finish this book for decades, and I just can't get into it. I am a failure at fiction.

10. Now tag five people.

Screw you, meme.

Daily Hysteric

First Morissey, Now This

My Life in 3 Easy Steps

My Favorite Quote From the Conference So Far

Never Fails To Horrify

I'm Feeling Better, But...

Tagged

Why I Haven't Been Blogging

Needless To Say, Basketball Is Out Too

What The Hell, California?

Turn Your Back On My Shame!

Dude, Snowboarding is HARD

I Just Got Back From San Diego

It's Like They Know My Innermost Desires

A Quick Post, Because I'm Still Alive

Fergie sets women back a gajillion years

Quizzes also = lazy blogging

Yes! Just as I always suspected!

Oh, OK Cupid, You Know Me So Well!

Maybe All Those Quizzes are Right...

Christmas Comes Early.

Another Quiz Tells Me I'm Scary and Dark. Sigh.

I'm A Who In The What Now?

Overheard in California College Town

For All You Guys Out There

But I LIKE Brussels Sprouts

I Am Part Human, Part Hamster

Mwahahahah!

Can't get enough LaBlonde?

Happy Thanksgiving, Amigos

Attention! Embarrassing Announcement Forthcoming!

What About The Red-Headed Guy From 'Mythbusters'?

The World Is Bleak and Joyless

You Can Check Out Any Time You Like, But You Can Never Leave

Sunday Night Incoherence

You Know What I Hate?

You Want It When??

THIS IS MERELY A TEST

John Kerry Called Rush Limbaugh "Doughy"

Notes From Belly Dancing Class*

For All the California Readers

Friday Cat/Dog/Child/Small Appliance Blogging

I am so smart..S-M-R-T.. I mean, S-M-A-R-T

In Which I Bag On Jesus Just a Little More

Things I Learned By Watching VH1

Why I Hate College Football, part pi:

Look Away, Mom

I am unique and beautiful

I'm Still Alive!

One More Video, But It's Worth It!

Not With a Bang But With a Whimper

As Seen on TV

Another YouTube Post = Lazy Blogging

Highlights Of My Day

Because men hate ceiling fans?

La Blonde Overheard

Yarrr!

A Week of Crabby: Things Can Only Get Better

Crabby Extra!

A Week of Crabby: Crabby on the Road

A Week of Crabby: You might say I'm crabby, but I'm not the only one

A Week of Crabby: Hits From The Blog

A Week of Crabby: Day One

I *Heart* The Friday Random Ten

Today In Bad Ideas, Part Deux

Good News Overload

I Love Google Ads

The Previous Post

More Lies From The Liberal Media

Friday Random Ten

I'm A Very Bad Girl

You May Hear A Rumor

This Just In: Bush Hates Puppies, Your Grandma

It's Not My Fault - I Exercise Ugly

Sport-corset Fallout! Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Ugly

In California College Town, They Can't Hear You Scream

Friday Random Ten - Jared Leto Edition

In Other San Francisco News

I'm so EXCITED!

Please, Don't Marry Me!

I Heart The Friday Random Ten