Fake love makes me all weepy

You know what? I'm not going to comment on the new Cruise baby. Instead, I'm going to post this segment of the Tom Cruise interview on Primetime Live a few nights back. What does Tom have to say about the love of his life?

"She loves to laugh."

Wow, I guess Katie Holmes and I have nothing in common, 'cause I'm a stone-faced motherfucker. I hate laughter in all its myriad forms, including, nay, especially that which eminates from children.

But wait. I hope you've recovered from that info-gasm, because he also tells us that "she has a great smile". Strike two, Katie. My gaping maw is like the steaming mouth of Hell itself.

Finally, when Diane Sawyer asks him what Katies does that drives him nuts, he looks panicked for a few seconds, then says that there's nothing she does that makes him even remotely crazy.

Ok.

Now, I've never had a baby, it's true, but I have written a PhD thesis, and it was the most bloated, mood-swingy, self-pitying, acne-filled six months of my life. And if you'd ask S-i-R what I do that drives him nuts, I'd bet my left kidney that he'd be able to come up with one or two small issues. Katie Holmes has been pregnant for nine months of their one year relationship and he can't think of a single thing? I call shenannegans all over that shit.

Anyway, decide for yourself. It's not like you were getting any work done anyway.