That could NEVER happen!

Sorry for the posting drought, but family business called me away. While I'm pulling my life back together, check out 87 things that people said could never, ever happen, then meditate on the nature of impossibility. I'll tell you when to stop.

NSFW ads, but the content is harmless.

via Screenhead

Today in crushing depression

I offer you the trailer to the saddest movie ever made. Served up by the nation known as Japan, and perhaps a welcome departure from the usual tenticle porn, "Kogistune Helen" or "Fox Cub Helen" is described as:

A young boy finds a deaf, blind and dumb baby fox, lost from its parents in the wilderness. Based on a true story, a heartwarming story of the care and love of the boy and a vet who try to save the baby fox.

"try to save the baby fox", huh? Not so fast. Just in case you thought a movie about, not just a cuddly animal, but a multiply handicapped cuddly animal isn't sad enough, a Japanese-speaking friend tells me that at one point, the vet holds up the fox and says, "We should return him to the wild. His natural survival skills will take over." Oh really? Is that your professional opinion?

Anyway, watch it yourself, but don't come crying to me when your heartstrings are pulled the fuck out of your chest.




Oh yeah. Via You Can't Make It Up

Viagra spam of the week

Expressed as dadaist haiku:


paper clip the laden
adjustment stability
Pap smear formulate

parliamentary sullen,
fruity sanction'd resume
o indignity

elude to it or-
doll honors the dress code
mechanics as took

illegible metric
and in fruition billow
an inattentive?

exemplary hurdle
to fasten this apathy
and yet to be flushed?

It's a magic 8-ball, it's a meme- it's a magic 8-ball AND a meme

A la Dr. Brazen Hussy, I decided to try the iPod Magic 8-ball. Simply for fun, you understand. I'm only posting because, well... this shit is eerie

How does the world see you?

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band -the Beatles (True enough.)

Will I have a happy life?

AHAHAHA -Dreams Come True (Well, it's what I would have answered if you'd asked ME.)

What do my friends really think of me?

Something So Strong -Crowded House (Only because Crowded House never recorded 'Something So Lame')

Do people secretly lust after me?

Slow Down -Moby (Whatever. Like a vegan knows anything about lust anyway.)

How can I make myself happy?

Stuck on You -Lionel Richie (Yes, you stupid iPod, that's easy for you to say.)

What should I do with my life?

Who told you? -Roni Size (Ok, so this one doesn't make much sense. I suppose you take the good with the bad when you get your life advice from an iPod.)

Will I ever have children?

He Wasn't -Avril Levigne (I don't know what this song says because I downloaded it for Dr. Brazen. Seriously folks, I don't listen to Avril. ...seriously?)

What is some good advice for me?

Mista Mista -The Fugees (This is a song about crack-addicted homeless people. Hmmm.)

How will I be remembered?

The City is Crying -Dave Brubeck Quartet (Aaawwwww.)

What is my signature dancing song?

Amazing -Madonna

What do I think my current theme song is?

Nothingman -Pearljam (A blast from the past, certainly, but my theme song for big chunks of my life. My relationships with men have been, um, fraught.)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?

Suddenly- The Tremeloes (a Greek boy band from the '60's. Very funny. Nobody likes a smartass, iPod.)

What song will play at my funeral?

Trapped by Love- Manu Chao (All I have to say is, you'd better not.

What type of men/women do you like?

Unhappy- Big Boi (Oh, you just think you're sooo smart, don't you?)

What is my day going to be like?

Don't Mess with Orgazmatron- DJ Earworm Remix (In a day that began with Mr. Extremely Tall and will end with Spaniard-in-Residence, all I can say is: finally, the iPod gets one right.)

Smug fucking iPod.

CNN Headline of the day

Reminds me of a joke my dad used to tell

Check out Sunrise Land Shrimp, a company promoting bugs as cuisine. I love their tag line: "Mmmm, that's good land shrimp!"

via The Straight Dope, which, if you haven't visited, you probably should.

Another one bites the dust

Added to our list of good..um...bad...er...rather, annoying people who do bad things is David Hasselhoff, whose soon-to-be-ex-wife has filed for a restraining order, for reasons that may or may not have to do with domestic violence. Hey, I'm just sayin'.


I usually wouldn't post Hasselhoff-related news, but it's much more fun that trying to send a fax to Kenya, which I've been doing for three freakin' days.

Thomas Kinkade 'seamy', millions of midwestern ladies heartbroken

Although it's not going to gain me any Technorati searches, I had to post this. Those of you hailing from the midwest know of Thomas Kinkade: God-fearing Christian and 'painter of light'. If not, you've definitely seen his paintings/ prints/ snowglobes/ insert-generic-tchochke-here in a thousand poorly-decorated Indiana living rooms.

Shockingly, despite his vocal love of Jesus, he's also a terrible person, even going so low as to mock Sigfried and Roy. For God's sake, Mr. Kinkaide- is nothing sacred??


No, Consumerist, thank you.

A post for my mom

...who once made me record against my will 'Yanni at the Acropolis' off of PBS for her. I firmly believe that my hatred of Yanni, his ear-rending 'music', and his flowing locks caused me to be cursed by the Gods with the care and feeding of all Greek men for eternity.

That's right, Yanni. I blame you.

That's why I cracked a smile when I saw that his post-fame downward spiral has begun. It always begins with domestic violence, then the drug-fueled rampage, the rehab... stay tuned!

UPDATE The Smoking Gun posts Yanni's police report.

What brings you to LaBlonde?

According to sitemeter, the vast majority of traffic on my blog is due to approximately one billion technorati searches on "Lindsey Lohan shows her boobs", although there was one hit from a Japanese search engine on "Johnny Weir + pinky ring".

As always, I'm givin' the people what they want. And what they want is this:

Boobs. Boobs boobs boobs. Lindsey Lohan's boobs. My boobs. Your boobs. Hooters and knockers. Titties, bazongas, and (God help me) lady lumps. Funbags.


There was also a yahoo search on "little blonde girls", which I refuse to dignify with a comment.

I mean, a comment besides "blech!".

I *heart* Goths

Check out Demonbaby's selections from the Goth personals.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go listen to some Clan of Xymox.

Shocking celebrity news drought continues

Since this has morphed into 'LaBlonde's Week of TMI', I thought I'd post one more personal tidbit.

One of my gentlemen friends sent me a text message at midnight last night. He knew I'd been really stressed out lately, and wanted to wish me a happy (and better) March.

That was all he wanted. Just to let me know he was thinking of me, and hoped I was ok.


Isn't that nice?



Oh yeah, and the world saw Lindsey Lohan's boob again. Um, yawn?

The greatest song ever

Home Sweet Home by Mötley Crüe.

That is all.