My life as a postdoc
6:15 Awakened by birds outside my window. Curse birds.
6:30 Alarm goes off. Go back to sleep.
6:32 Curse all current and future offspring of birds. Get out of bed.
6:32-7:22 Showerbrushteethchecke-mail. Put on clothes at some point, also makeup if feeling particularly saucy. Most likely not.
7:50 Drink tea purchased from campus cafeteria. Remind self that while the undergrad girls working in said cafeteria may be both pretty and taut, they have to take final exams this week, and you don't. Get comfortable with poor self-image.
8:00 Open first file for data analysis. Keep file in an open window so it can hide the blog I'm reading in case anybody walks in.
9:00 Lab manager arrives. Receive update on cute things her cats have done in the last 12 hours. Respond with appreciation of cat's unbelievable cuteness, and comment accordingly.
10:00-11:00 Run analysis. Recieve error message. Reformat data. Repeat.
11:01 Check cafeteria lunch menu online
11:03 Check cafeteria lunch menu online
11:05 Graduate students arrive.
11:06 Gratuate student's research encounters insurmountable obstacle. Inquire if graduate student has taken their Wellbutrin. Suggest that graduate student add more magnesium/lower annealing temperature of the next reaction.*
11:30 Lunch, and the inevitable disappointment that follows heightened expectations. Ponder how lunch is like a microcosm of life that way.
12:30-2:00 Lab manager affirmation. "You could go back to graduate school any time you want."
3:00: Undergrad interns arrive. Make stilted conversation. End conversation when they ask "yeah, but what exactly do you do?. Punks.
3:01: Check analysis program that has been running all this time. Replicate 20 of 1,000. Perfect.
3:02 Analysis program crashes. Restart program. This is called job security.
4:42 Analysis program finishes. Paste results into color-coded spreadsheet. Show spreadsheet to boss.**
4:59 Comeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon
4:59:30 Graduate student crisis
5:20 Arrive home. Yell "I'm home!!" before remembering that you traded possessions and the love of others for a graduate degree. In anthropology. What the hell were you thinking?
6:30-7:30 Constant exposure to undergraduates has lowered self-esteem to record levels. Go for a run. Contemplate which thing you hate more: running or cats.
7:31 Begin to chop vegetables for dinner. Wonder who the hell you're trying to impress. Make bowl of cereal.
8:00 Really and truly intend to work on paper for publication.
8:01-12:00 Court TV
Well, there's always tomorrow.
*Note to aspiring post-docs: occasionally, a particularly astute or vengeful grad student will notice that these are the only changes you ever suggest. Such smart-asses should not be tolerated. Ask them "well, do you know if you extraction worked? Maybe there's no DNA in there!" This will strike fear into their hearts, or at least discourage them from asking you for advice, which was the point all along.
**Occasionally, the boss will ask you how you interpret the results of your analysis. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRICK! He has known how the results will be interpreted since he told you to do the analysis. Merely look thoughful for a few moments and say "Well, it depends on what sort of question you're asking."
6:30 Alarm goes off. Go back to sleep.
6:32 Curse all current and future offspring of birds. Get out of bed.
6:32-7:22 Showerbrushteethchecke-mail. Put on clothes at some point, also makeup if feeling particularly saucy. Most likely not.
7:50 Drink tea purchased from campus cafeteria. Remind self that while the undergrad girls working in said cafeteria may be both pretty and taut, they have to take final exams this week, and you don't. Get comfortable with poor self-image.
8:00 Open first file for data analysis. Keep file in an open window so it can hide the blog I'm reading in case anybody walks in.
9:00 Lab manager arrives. Receive update on cute things her cats have done in the last 12 hours. Respond with appreciation of cat's unbelievable cuteness, and comment accordingly.
10:00-11:00 Run analysis. Recieve error message. Reformat data. Repeat.
11:01 Check cafeteria lunch menu online
11:03 Check cafeteria lunch menu online
11:05 Graduate students arrive.
11:06 Gratuate student's research encounters insurmountable obstacle. Inquire if graduate student has taken their Wellbutrin. Suggest that graduate student add more magnesium/lower annealing temperature of the next reaction.*
11:30 Lunch, and the inevitable disappointment that follows heightened expectations. Ponder how lunch is like a microcosm of life that way.
12:30-2:00 Lab manager affirmation. "You could go back to graduate school any time you want."
3:00: Undergrad interns arrive. Make stilted conversation. End conversation when they ask "yeah, but what exactly do you do?. Punks.
3:01: Check analysis program that has been running all this time. Replicate 20 of 1,000. Perfect.
3:02 Analysis program crashes. Restart program. This is called job security.
4:42 Analysis program finishes. Paste results into color-coded spreadsheet. Show spreadsheet to boss.**
4:59 Comeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon
4:59:30 Graduate student crisis
5:20 Arrive home. Yell "I'm home!!" before remembering that you traded possessions and the love of others for a graduate degree. In anthropology. What the hell were you thinking?
6:30-7:30 Constant exposure to undergraduates has lowered self-esteem to record levels. Go for a run. Contemplate which thing you hate more: running or cats.
7:31 Begin to chop vegetables for dinner. Wonder who the hell you're trying to impress. Make bowl of cereal.
8:00 Really and truly intend to work on paper for publication.
8:01-12:00 Court TV
Well, there's always tomorrow.
*Note to aspiring post-docs: occasionally, a particularly astute or vengeful grad student will notice that these are the only changes you ever suggest. Such smart-asses should not be tolerated. Ask them "well, do you know if you extraction worked? Maybe there's no DNA in there!" This will strike fear into their hearts, or at least discourage them from asking you for advice, which was the point all along.
**Occasionally, the boss will ask you how you interpret the results of your analysis. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRICK! He has known how the results will be interpreted since he told you to do the analysis. Merely look thoughful for a few moments and say "Well, it depends on what sort of question you're asking."
posted by La Blonde Parisienne at 12:07 PM
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