The Left Coast Fast Food Roundup
Recently, an overzealous commitment to fitness combined with poor coping skills has left me needing to gain some weight. Now, before we start in with the angry comments, hear me out: like all good feminists, I believe that beautiful women come in all shapes and sizes... which is why you shouldn't hate on me for my fast metabolism. Plus, I have a flat ass. Seriously - like a pancake. Lucky for me, there is a whole range of fast-food restaurants here on the West Coast with which I'm completely unfamiliar! Ahoy for greasy food adventure!
In-n-Out
The Upside:
Possibly the greatest french fries in the known universe. Seriously. If, like, you found an artisan french-fry carver living in a cave in Belgium and he was use a knife blessed by both popes to carve for you perfectly symmetrical french fries from potatoes dug from the soil by rosy-cheeked Idahoan children in the misty dawn, they wouldn't be as good as these little fuckers. The burgers aren't bad either, and it makes up for the fact that the menu contains approximately four things.
The Downside:
Everyone in the universe knows how good the fries are, so prepare to wait in line. I recommend a little Journey on the car stereo and a little auto-karaoke, but that's jut me. Also, the employees tend to be extra cheerful, so I think it may be a front for a suicide cult.
Jack-in-the-Box
The Upside:
You can get a malted chocolate milkshake - it's like a chocolate Blizzard with crushed up Whoppers candies. Totally artificial, but it's the artificially flavored frozen beverage of the GODS.
The Downside:
Everything else.
Sonic
The Upside:
This is a little bit of a cheat, because they do have Sonic drive-ins back East; I'd just never been to one. The burger was OK, but they get an A+++ for putting the little pelleted ice bits in their drinks. Also, the cherry limeade has so much sugar in it that I'm currently contemplating all the stuff I'm going to get done when I never sleep again.
The Downside:
Points off for playing "Paris Hilton by request" on the Sonic Radio Network. Also, the fries were mediocre. Double points off for making me drive to a town full of scary rednecks just to eat the mediocre fries. Finally, although I didn't have one, their milkshakes come in "Blue Coconut" flavor - not bad so much as counterintuitive and vaguely troubling.
Del Taco:
The Upside: I've never actually eaten at Del Taco, because the drive-through is right next to a KFC and I always end up getting chicken instead. I'm not sure I'm missing out on anything, because there are a couple of decent burrito places in town.
The Downside:
Is there a downside to never having eaten at Del Taco?
The Verdict:
In-n-Out is a clear winner in food quality and value, although Sonic gets a big up for selling liquid methamphetamine in handy cherry-limeade form. I've yet to find something to replace my beloved Shake Shack (the Madison Square Park one, not the black-and-white decor, little tiny french fry one). Stay tuned, as I continue to abuse my digestive and cardiovascular systems. I could be drinking protein shakes, but where's the fun in that?
Update!: Just as Dr. Brazen pointed out that I had neglected Jollibee, I realized that I had forgotten to include Carl's Jr. However, I saw today that they are introducing a Pastrami Burger. That's right, bitches, a double cheeseburger topped with delicious pastrami; meat with a meat garnish. I'd like to try this monstrosity just to say that I had, but I'm afraid that my head will explode merely from contemplation of its meaty goodness.
In-n-Out
The Upside:
Possibly the greatest french fries in the known universe. Seriously. If, like, you found an artisan french-fry carver living in a cave in Belgium and he was use a knife blessed by both popes to carve for you perfectly symmetrical french fries from potatoes dug from the soil by rosy-cheeked Idahoan children in the misty dawn, they wouldn't be as good as these little fuckers. The burgers aren't bad either, and it makes up for the fact that the menu contains approximately four things.
The Downside:
Everyone in the universe knows how good the fries are, so prepare to wait in line. I recommend a little Journey on the car stereo and a little auto-karaoke, but that's jut me. Also, the employees tend to be extra cheerful, so I think it may be a front for a suicide cult.
Jack-in-the-Box
The Upside:
You can get a malted chocolate milkshake - it's like a chocolate Blizzard with crushed up Whoppers candies. Totally artificial, but it's the artificially flavored frozen beverage of the GODS.
The Downside:
Everything else.
Sonic
The Upside:
This is a little bit of a cheat, because they do have Sonic drive-ins back East; I'd just never been to one. The burger was OK, but they get an A+++ for putting the little pelleted ice bits in their drinks. Also, the cherry limeade has so much sugar in it that I'm currently contemplating all the stuff I'm going to get done when I never sleep again.
The Downside:
Points off for playing "Paris Hilton by request" on the Sonic Radio Network. Also, the fries were mediocre. Double points off for making me drive to a town full of scary rednecks just to eat the mediocre fries. Finally, although I didn't have one, their milkshakes come in "Blue Coconut" flavor - not bad so much as counterintuitive and vaguely troubling.
Del Taco:
The Upside: I've never actually eaten at Del Taco, because the drive-through is right next to a KFC and I always end up getting chicken instead. I'm not sure I'm missing out on anything, because there are a couple of decent burrito places in town.
The Downside:
Is there a downside to never having eaten at Del Taco?
The Verdict:
In-n-Out is a clear winner in food quality and value, although Sonic gets a big up for selling liquid methamphetamine in handy cherry-limeade form. I've yet to find something to replace my beloved Shake Shack (the Madison Square Park one, not the black-and-white decor, little tiny french fry one). Stay tuned, as I continue to abuse my digestive and cardiovascular systems. I could be drinking protein shakes, but where's the fun in that?
Update!: Just as Dr. Brazen pointed out that I had neglected Jollibee, I realized that I had forgotten to include Carl's Jr. However, I saw today that they are introducing a Pastrami Burger. That's right, bitches, a double cheeseburger topped with delicious pastrami; meat with a meat garnish. I'd like to try this monstrosity just to say that I had, but I'm afraid that my head will explode merely from contemplation of its meaty goodness.
posted by La Blonde Parisienne at 1:18 AM
3 Comments:
I went to an In-and-Out once, and only once. It went in and, an hour later...I dated a photographer who swore by their burgers and fries, tho.
My favorite as the Frostee-something. The only place I found one was in Hollister - about an hour south of San Jose on 101. Anyway, I hadn't had a milkshake in like 4 years and got one from there. I was hooked! Then, the spicy chicken sandwich with 1/2 of some Mexican pepper on it...
Anyway, good luck in gaining weight. I'll trade you some of mine for some of you metabolism!
What, no Jollibee?
There was Del Taco in the southeast. Stay away. Far away. Ew.
Good point, Dr. BH. I actually wanted to include Jollibee in this review, but the nearest store is an hour and 47 minutes away, according to google maps. I was so disappointed!
For those of you who are in southern California, you can read reviews of delicious Jollibee treats from our friends at Your Prayers Make the Real Gods Angry.
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