Notes from a despicable state, final edition

A childhood spent in the cesspool that is rural America is rare among my friends, most of whom spent their early years marinating in unjustified suburban ennui. Because of this, I am frequently asked about cow tipping as a rural tradition. I always give the same reply: it doesn't exist. Never has. Cows, while stupid, also tend to be structurally sound as a motherfucker. My friends have never believed me, because everyone in the suburbs, EVERYONE, has had a cousin or an uncle or a father they thought was their brother who ONCE WENT COWTIPPING, and it was AWESOME.

Well, thanks to News of the Weird and the Times of London, I've been vindicated.

News of the Weird (first item)

Take that!

Yeah? Well, why don't you go buy another shirt at 'Hot Topic'?

UPDATE The girls at Go Fug Yourself also hate Hot Topic. OMG! Isn't that crazy?

Notes from a despicable state, pt. II

My mother loves to buy things off the TV. I swear- she's the QVC OG. And it was she who, during my convalescence, introduced me to the as-seen-on-TV miracle that is the Turbie Twist.

Not only can you wrap up your wet hair with one convenient twist, you can pretend to be Joan Collins while you do it!



"You bitch!"

Notes from a despicable state

As some of you know, I've been spending the Thanksgiving holiday with my family deep in the dark red heart of our country. So maybe I made a few comments about how restaurants play country music, and will be playing a different country song in the bathroom (with video!)

and maybe, just maybe, I couldn't restrain myself around the conservative Republicans my parents invited to dinner...

Republican Dinner Guest: "are all of your heros Democrats?"
La Blonde: "Of course not... some are European."

Whichever it was, the Gods heard me, and I was stricken with.. (DUM DUM DUM)

DAN QUAYLE'S REVENGE

..on the other hand, I no longer have to worry about Thanksgiving weight gain. AND I've gotten to watch Bigfoot documentaries in bed all day and call it research!

What do you want on YOUR tombstone?

Craft your shout-out to eternity here.

When kinkajous attack!

A elderly woman in Pontotoc, Mississippi was attacked by an escaped kinkajou, which, for the record, is NOT A MONKEY.

It is unknown at this time whether the Mississippi animal was also protesting the purchase of a overpriced bullwhip.

Just FYI, I suspect the PH monkey-attack story is a fabrication. Nobody gets out of Agent Provocateur for only $400.

I'm all choked up

The following is an exerpt from an interview with porn actress Bella Donna, a.k.a. 'Buttwoman'. The story of how she met her fiancee is possibly the most romantic story ever told:

I hear you have a special guy, who is he?

Nacho Vidal.

How did you guys meet?

When I was shooting the Buttwoman movie in the Czech Republic, he and Tony Ribas came down from Spain. I met him and fell in love with him on that first day and now we’re engaged.

*sniff* Ain't porn grand? Also, Spanish guys named 'Nacho'.

Read the rest here, but make sure you've got some tissues handy!

Paris Hilton Update!!

It turns out that Paris Hilton's 'monkey', Baby Luv, is not really monkey, but rather, a kinkajou, Potos flavus.

Goddamn gossip reporters should read a fucking book once in a while. A monkey? Christ.

Monkey Luv

Paris Hilton now has a pet monkey. Although I disagree with her choice of pet, what I cannot believe is that she still has a Greek boyfriend.

Paris, sweetie, sodomy aside, Greeks are soo last fall. And to have gotten your Greek second-hand from one of the Olsen twins? You're better than that.

I do love your adoption of garter belts as a fashion accessory, though. Well done, with just a touch of "don't sneer at me, bitch- you couldn't wear this". Now go get yourself a Catalan or something. They've all got that Catholic guilt that's soooo dirty, but he won't make you do those sheep noises.

UPDATE Stavros and Paris over? You'd better think it over, Stav. You don't meet girls willing to take it like a longshoreman every day, do you? No, you do not.

This just in:

Rick Santorum not a completely horrible person.

Tomorrow, sun rises in the west, and why frog's asses may require additional waterproofing.

(Link via Wonkette via Pandagon. Serves you right for reading a C-list blog.)

Better late than never

In response to a tag from Dr. Brazen Hussy, I now have to come up with 10 things that I like. In ascending order:

10. The A train. It really is the fastest way to get to Harlem, or from Harlem, to anywhere.

9. Naps. Just this weekend I rediscovered the joy of wrapping up in a blanket and just letting your eyes roll back in your head.

8. The Rolling Stone's 'Sympathy for the Devil'. Put it in your headphones, and BOOM- you're a badass.

7. Reading. Even when it's some stupid bodice-ripper romance, it's my favorite thing to do.

6. Hanging out with Dr. Brazen and P.O. and my friends.

5. My family-Happy birthday, Mom!!

4. Finally getting a reaction to work. BOOM- you're a badass!

3. Cooking, reading cookbooks, or talking about food in any context.

2. New York City, my adopted home

1. Having adventures.

Who to tag... who to tag...

Shameless ripoff time, or what LaBlonde is...

I love Manolo the Shoeblogger for both his classic diction and spot-on assessment of shoes and fashion. So, in the hope that imitation is truely the sincerest form of flattery, here is what LaBlonde is currently...

Reading:
Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach

Watching:
Curb Your Enthusiasm The First Season

Listening to:
And Love Said No by HIM (That's His Infernal Majesty, for those of you not following Finnish glam rock)

Obsessing over:
My iPod Nano in black, of course.

Also, the sullen, beautiful Ville Valo

Sigh... Manolo may love the shoes, but LaBlonde, she loves the Euros.

Silly me! All the answers are in the bible!

A short trip to the Answers in Genesis website will teach you about much more than intelligent design. To test your 'biblical' knowledge, take this quiz!

Q: Does the bible teach that women should submit to their husbands in all things?

A: NO! The evil Darwinists told women that they were inferior . (Note: if you are able to discriminate between 'evolutionary theory' and social Darwinism this article will cause headaches, severe cognitive dissonance, and fits of rage.)

Q: Are black people inferior due to the 'curse of Ham?"

A: Not according to this brand of Fundy! It was the evil Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses who said it. A good christian believes that everyone should be enslaved equally!

Q: If Adam and Eve only had three male children (as mentioned by name), where did Cain find his wife? Was she his sister?

A: God created people perfectly, with no deleterious mutations, so 'knowing' your sister was totally not icky back then. By the time Moses rolled up, people had the time to accumulate deleterious mutations in their genomes, making boning your brother a big bad.

But wait- we define evolution as "a change in allele frequencies over time"- if the biblical folks were accumulating new mutations, that would mean that the frequencies of alleles were changing, and therefore they were evolving and...

...maybe I should just go bake a pie. Yes, that always makes me feel better...

Conservative Christians go the extra mile to get offended

In the "right things for the wrong reasons" column goes this article on MSNBC that I discovered while browsing for celebrity gossip. It appears that conservative christians love the American Girl dolls because they are not, unlike Barbie or Bratz, total sluts. I've seen girls carrying these dolls, and I've seen the incredible lines that form outside the American Girl store here in Manhattan, where girls can have their dolls' hair styled, or take them to tea. It sounds like a lot of fun, and perfect practice for all those aspiring La Blondes out there, especially if mom and dad chip in for the "Genetics Lab" accessories kit. Considering that all the dolls come with books that place them in historical context and teach important life lessons, what could possibly be wrong?

Well, apparently, one fundy mom found that AG was donating money from their "I Can" bracelets to Girls, Inc.- and Girls, Inc.'s webpage contained "an endorsement of Roe v. Wade and language supportive of homosexuals." (from the MSNBC article). How dare they encourage ethical behavior and girl's empowerment without including hatred and shame!

AG no longer sells the "I Can" bracelet on their website, but rather, and "I Can" band, which includes:

...an American Girl “I CAN” promise card that you can sign and keep as a reminder that— when you believe in yourself—anything is possible.

AG is no longer donating proceeds from this or any item to Girls, Inc., since the only thing not possible when you believe in yourself is expressing your sexuality without being told that you are evil or dirty.

There is no obvious mention of this messy exchange on the AG website, but Girls, Inc. is not taking this affront laying down. The state on their homepage

Recently, our mission to help girls develop their self-esteem and self-reliance has become the target of false, inflammatory statements from people who are pursuing a narrow political agenda.

There are those of us who believe that the empowerment of women begins with girls everywhere being able to be able to live the lives they want without fear, and to know that achievment is their right. To this end, I recommend writing a strongly-worded e-mail to American Girl for their shameless pussing-out in the face of conservative pressure, and also a donation to Girls, Inc. to let them know that we really do believe that anything is possible.

I tried to take the quiz

My dear, dear friend Dr. Brazen Hussy has been posting quizzes on her blog. She took the religion quiz. Clare took it. Even Professor Bastard took the religion quiz.

I really tried. But I got to where it asked:

Do you believe that your own redemption lies in your own hands or those of a superior power?

-and all I could think was, "Silly quiz. There is no redemption."

What's great about science

I'm currently reading a paper on infant-killing behavior in males, and other evolutionary reasons why males and females hang out together. The authors, two perfectly nice old men, predict that, given the patterns seen in other primates, orangutan males should be infanticidal.

The only problem? It's not true; they aren't . Not to worry- this never stopped the scientific process before!

"How orang-utans cope with the risk of infanticide is puzzling, especially since attempts at infanticide have never been described despite long-term studies in the wild."

van Schaik, C.P. and Kappeler, P.M. (1997) Infanticide risk and the evolution of male-female association in primates. Proceedings of the Royal Society, London, Series B, 264: 1687-1694.

I'd like to re-write this as:

"Despite never actually having seen a ravenous, flesh-eating zombie, La Blonde's lack of anti-zombie protective measures is puzzling..."